Day of The Gnat
by Lucky Larue
Summary: Lockhart has a disorder, goes back to Hogwarts, and becomes even more troubled. Rated a mild T. Chapter 2 is up, and more's on the way, even though no one is reading this.
1. Default Chapter

DAY OF THE GNAT

One day, Gilderoy ate a magical grapefruit that turned him into a gnat. He flew out the window of Saint Mungo's and flew back to Hogwarts. "Children! Children don't you remember me? I've got my memory back now! Hey, look at me!" said Lockhart, in the great hall. But he was just a gnat, and all the children heard was "Bzzz, zzzz". Ron sensed a small insect around his neck and smacked it with his hand. Lockhart fell to the ground, crumpled and seeing double. Harry walked up to the table and stomped on Lockhart. Lockhart groaned and four hours later, he woke up and started to fly again. Lockhart realized he was quite strong. "That grapefruit must have fortified me. I probably have the strength of 30 gnats." smiled Lockhart, buzzing down the hall. He was on his way to see Dumbledore. He figured that if he could just reach Dumbledore, Dumbledore would transform him back into a man and give him his teaching position back.

Lockhart got to Dumbledore's door. At first, Lockhart was frustrated because he couldn't get in, but then he lit up apon seeing the keyhole and he flew right through. Lockhart flew through Dumbledore's office, and saw the wizard at his desk writing on some parchment. "Professor! It is I! I am back!" said Lockhart. This caught the attention of Fawkes, who flew off his perch like a mighty bird of prey in slow-motion and came flying menacingly down on Lockhart, his talens raised. "AAAAHH!" said Lockhart. Dumbledore looked up from his papers. "What the hell?" said Lockhart. Fawkes tried to catch the gnat in his talons, but couldn't grasp Lockhart. "Fawkes, you aren't trying to make a meal of that tiny little gnat. Damn, have you been dipping into my booze again?" asked Dumbledore.

Lockhart, scared witless, flew from the room. He flew back out the keyhole, Fawkes squawking and following him and ramming into the keyhole in persuit of Lockhart. "Oh, dear, Fawkes, why!" said Dumbledore, standing up and shaking his head. He walked over to pick the bird up. Meanwhile, Lockhart, scandalised, fled down the hall. He stopped briefly when he saw a mirror, and looked into it. "Oh, my hair!" he exclaimed in misery. He didn't really have any hair left, but he thought he did and he thought it didn't look right. So then he flew back off down the hall at lightening speed, but he wasn't watching where he was going. He saw a black blur in front of him, and all of a sudden he was in some kind of warm cavity. Lockhart tried to turn himself around.

Snape grunted, grimacing and rubbed his nose furiously. "Aaagghh!" he said in rage. He grabbed a black, tattered handerchief and blew into it loudly. Lockhart felt the gust of air but he was stuck in some nose hairs. "Oh, this is terribly beneath me!" said Lockhart. Snape, growing more and more pestilent by the instant, charged into his office. He quickly stashed away the palinter he'd left sitting on his desk in the open office, and then he pulled out his gun. He put it to his nostril. "I'll get you, you little #(&$#&&$(!(!#&&!&!(!" said Snape, he was just about to pull the trigger when he realized it could possibly do him some harm. He put the gun away and grabbed his wand instead.

"Gettouttamynoseicus!" he snarled, angrily. Lockhart was expelled, along with a small spider. The spider left, and Lockhart stayed on the desk, looking around and trying to figure out what was going on. He looked up and screamed. Terrified, Lockhart tried to fly away. "Oh, no you don't." said Snape, sounding as if he was ready to murder. He waved his wand and Lockhart zoomed towards him, hovering in the air in front of Snape. "Thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Thought you could irritate my nose, DIDN'T YOU!" screamed Snape. Snape grabbed a jar and carefully picked up Lockhart between two fingers. He put Lockhart in the jar. "I'm going to put you in a potion tomorrow. Yes, a potion that causes a person's ears to explode and their tongue to turn into a... gremlin. Don't look at me like that! I'm the potions master and I can make up any kind of potion I want. Untill then, you can just sit in there, you arrogant, arrogant fly. I shall name you... I'll name you Potter." said Snape, putting the jar down. He did a spell that created tiny holes in the top of the jar, that were too small for even Lockhart the gnat to fly out of. Snape left the room.

Lockhart buzzed sadly to himself, then he looked at the floor of the jar and weeped.

The sun rose the next day, and Lockhart slowly opened his eyes. It was doomsday. Lockhart gasped in horror, knowing that he would be put to death, and knowing he didn't even have any good robes to wear to his funeral. He would be buried as a gnat, a naked gnat. "I wonder who will bury me. Wait a second, I'm going to be dissolved in a potion. Oh, Gilderoy, you nincompoop how could you let this happen!" asked Lockhart. Soon, Snape entered the room, leering evilly at the jar. Lockhart tried to keep a stiff upper lip. Snake took the jar and started walking out of the room. Lock held his head high, trying not to cry. HIs lip started trembling and Lockhart burst out into tears. "Noooooo! Noooooo! Hermione, save me! You remember how appreciative you were of my greatness! Where are you now, girl?" screeched Lockhart, wailing, tears streaming down his gnat cheeks. Snape placed the jar on the table in front of the potions class.

"Shut up! Fifty points from Griffendor! Neville, you look like a putrid worm as usual, why don't you just die or something! Potter! Stop blinking! Granger! Start crying, idiot! 300 points from Griffindor! Yes, Malfoy?" said Snape. "I didn't ask anything, sir." said Malfoy. "Good, very polite and smart of you, Malfoy! Let's say, oh, 800 points to Slyterine. Now, today we'll be making an Enemy Potion. Some of you Slytherins should pay close attention, you may wish to use this on a Gryffinedor. If you make it strong enough, you may even be able to kill one of them." said Snape. He eyed Harry. "Here we are. We'll need all these ingredients... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." said Snape.

Lockhart was beating against the inside of the jar, looking at Hermione. Maybe she would recognize his glaring white teeth! Lockhart didn't know if he had teeth anymore, but he put all of his charm into trying to smile. THe girl was ignoring him! She kept scribbling her bloomin' notes, paying attention to the instructions. Lockhart knocked himself headfirst against the glass in despair and slid to the bottom of the jar.

"...cottage cheese, 2 dingy socks, a bath bead, and this...a gnat!" said Snape, finishing up his list of ingredients for the potion and grabbing the jar. He held it up. Snape looked at the jar evilly, then unscrewed the lid. Suddenly, Lockhart rushed out of the jar, flying past Snape's hand. "Damn it!" said Snape. He grabbed his wand and cast a spell, but Lockhart hand already flown into Hermione's hair. "I got it, 'Ermioneee..." said Ron, trying to pick the gnat out of Hermione's BIG, BUSHY HAIR. "Ron! Ron, it's going further in! Eeaayyaagg, I can feel it!" said Hermione. "Don't worry, I'll fish it out." said Ron, concentrating on trying to locate the bug. Harry just stared off into space.

Snape put his hands on his hips. "Granger, that ugly hair of yours is costing this class valuable time, you worthless..." said Snape. "HEY! SHUT UP!" roared Ron. "What did you say." said Snape. "Your heard me, bag of , I SAID LAY OFF HER, SO SHUT UUUUPPP!" screeched Ron, his voice strained in fury like some metal rocker. Snape literally exploded with rage.

"Well, look at that!" said Harry, peering down at the remains of Snape, which lay on the floor. "I guess we can do whatever we want now!" said Ron. Hermione looked down happily at the remains, but she still wished the gnat was out of her hair. Ron was feeling for it with both hands as he looked at the black spot and bits of Snape that lay on the floor.

"Oh, no!" said Malfoy, agast. "What are we gonna do from now on!" he asked Crabbe and Goyle. "I dunno, boss, what you want we should do!" said Crabbe. Malfoy slapped Crabbe and then he looked around, freaked out. "This can't be happening! No, no, nnnooooo!" said Malfoy. He lept up on the desk.

"I've got it, Hermione! I've got it, luv!" said Ron. "R...Ron. Did you just call me..." said Hermione. Ron blushed. "Why...yes. Yes, I did." said Ron.

"I'll never pass this class without a teacher who doesn't care how badly I'm doing. What if Fatha can't replace him adequately! What if the next teacher is... fair! What if I don't own the class anymore! Dear Lord, I'm having an episode!" said Malfoy. Malfoy fell over onto the floor, then pulled himself back into his chair. He was panting and disoriented. Malfoy clutched his chest with one hand and clutched Goyle's shoulder with the other, and started falling back in his chair. "Uh, oh, Malfoy's havin' a heart attack!" said Goyle.

"So you like me, Ron? Honestly?" said Hermione, smiling. "Of course, Hermione. Sheesh, I thought you knew." said Ron, rubbing the back of his neck and looking down. "Oh, Ronaldton." said Hermione. "So does that mean...mean you feel the same about me?" asked Ron. "Of course I do, Ron!" said Hermione. Ron looked up, happily, and Hermione grabed him by the shoulders and pulled him close for a kiss. Harry looked at them from where he was playing with a rubic's cube, and he smiled.

"Ooohh, his fingers are so greasy..." said Lockhart, still held by Ron. Lockhart was drowning in the oils. He was used to that, from his own hairdo, but this was worse than formerly. Lockhart tried biting Ron's thumb. "Ouch!" said Ron. Confused, Ron looked at his thumb, accidentally letting go of Lockhart. "Cripes." said Lockhart, flying to the other side of the room to catch his breath. He landed on the window sill.

"HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY! I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!" said Malfoy. "Oh! I'll fix it." said Hermione, standing up. She went over to Malfoy and took out her wand, casting a spell. Malfoy began to breath normally, and he lay sprawled out on the floor, looking sickly. "You'll pay for that, mudblood." said Malfoy. "Draco, put a cork in it, you stooge!" said Ron. "Ooooohhhhhhh, terrified, really! I am in a state of extreme alarm, you poverty stricken drip!" said Malfoy. "You shut your gob, you twisted little bigot, else I'll stick m' fist in it! And Snape won't do anything, because he's dead now, innit!" said Ron. Malfoy sat back in stunned shock, staring at the destroyed Snape. Suddenly, Malfoy leaned forward in his seat, wide eyed. He pointed at the destroyed Snape. "He's moving!" gasped Malfoy.

"He's... reforming!" Hermione said, astonished. Like liquid metal, the pieces of Snape began flowing back together in a puddle. Ron moaned. Meanwhile, Lockhart had been working hard to try to spell out "Help me" in the dust on the windowsill with his body. Now he just had to get the attention of the class. Lockhart took a deep breath, fearfully, and then charged back towards Hermione. He flew around Hermione's head, trying to be as annoying as possible. "It's that bloody gnat again. I'll get it this time." said Ron. He pulled out a fly swatter from under the desk and stood up. Lockhart flew away, towards the window, and Ron chased him. Lockhart landed on the window sill, praying tha Ron would read his message and understand. Ron raised the swatter and approached the window sill.

"POTTER!" roared Snape, fully reformed. He pulled out his wand. Before he could do anything, lightning struck the room. It blasted through the window, zapping Lockhart. The magic grapefruit that had cursed him was coursing through Lockhart's body, and the lightning made the effect go haywire. Lockhart grew to the size of a beachball. Several students screamed. Snape pointed his wand at the bug. "What the $ are you, what are you doing here!" Snape yelled, alarmed and angry. "Sir, how did you manage to reform after blowing up?" asked Hermione, too curious to hold back any longer. Snape slowly turned his head to look at her. "A question like that should be punishable by death, but since it's not, I'll simply have to make you test this potion when I finally get done making it. It should be an extra strong batch when I get that gnat in there, now that it's grown to a hundred times its former size!" said Snape. "Wait a second..." said Ron, frowning and looking at the "Help me" writing on the window sill. "Uh, Professor Snape, I don't think this is any normal gnat. That's what I think." said Ron. "Who cares what you think!" said Snape. He fired his wand at the gnat. Lockhart flew behind Ron's head, and Snape fired again. "NOOOOOO!" screamed Hermione, as Ron fell to the ground. "Oh, he'll live. I haven't murdered one of you little turds yet, have I? I'm a hero." said Snape. He fired again at the gnat. This time, he got it. Lockhart fell to the ground beside Ron, landing with a heavy thud.

"Uuuggh! Oh, no! I can't believe how much weight I've gained!" said Lockhart, scrambling to get up. Snape cast another spell and began floating Lockhart back to him. Lockhart found himself being pulled through the air towards Snape open hand. Suddenly, at the instant when Snape's open hand touched Lockhart's beachball sized gnat body, lightning struck again, and it struck Snape's hand. The lightning electrified both of them and Snape's wand. There was an explosion of teal light and Snape fell over. Everyone looked at him. The gnat was no where to be seen.

Snape coughed and groaned. "Oh, dear, I can't take much more of... oh, my voice! My... but this is dreadful, it isn't my voice! What, what's happening!" said Snape, standing up. "OOoohhh! YESS! I'm a human again! I'm back! Lockhart is back!" cried Snape. Some of the class gasped, some laughed, and some stared in shock. "It's me, children! Your brave and beautiful gaurdien is back!" Snape said, grinning. That's because it wasn't really Snape, but Lockhart. The lightning, combined with the weird circumstances, had caused Snape's soul to be replaced with Lockharts. The wide, proud smile on Snape's face spread fear throughout the classroom. "Pro...professor, you ok?" whispered a Slytherin. "I'm fine, dear! Just fine! I mean, I must admit, I was frightened for a moment there, when old Professor Slimey was trying to toss me in his potion, but now, I... say, where is that wanker? Hmm..." said Lockhart, looking around himself. "Uggh, this robes! So dull and dreary, who put these on me! Wait a second..." said Lockhart, examing the black hair that he just noticed around his face. Swallowing dryly, he walked rasped, "Does anyone have a mirror.". A Slytherin tossed him a small pocket mirror. Lockhart lifted it to his face, and a blood curdling scream echoed throughout Hogwarts.

Eventually, it was time for Potions to be over. The class just sat there for about an hour, and then McGonnigal came in. "What in the name of the Lord... Severus! What is happening here! Who did this? Neville...?" said McGonigal. Neville shook his head and shrugged. "Ma'am, it was...it was all a freak accident..." said Hermione. She explained what had happened. McGonigall didn't believe that for one second. She used her wand to lift Snape's body and float it out into the hallway. "Oy, da boss needs some help too." said Crabbe. McGonigal looked back and Saw Malfoy still laying still as a corpse on the floor. She floated him out into the hallway, too, and left the room.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2: An UnGnatural Time

DAY OF THE GNAT: Chapter 2... AN UN**G**NATURUAL TIME

a& Surprise treat! The second chapter is in screeplay format. Also, there's not really many gnat issues in this episode. Sorry about that. &a

Lockhart, who had passed out after his scream, was floated down the hall with Malfoy, who had drifted out of consciousness from the weakness and stress he was experiencing from his heart attack and the fretful day. McGonigall floated them both into the hospital wing, and Madam Pomfrey stood up from where she was eating some candies and looked at the two new patients in her infirmary.

Pomfrey: Dear God, I didn't think it was possible for these guys to look any more sickly.

McGonigall: I don't know what happened to them, Pomfrey, but they were laying on the floor in Potions class, silent as death.

Pomfrey: Well, I'll be the judge of whether or not they're dead. We call always hope, eh?

McGonigall: No, we can't, because Snape is the only Potions teacher left in the world.

Pomfrey: What! That's impossible.

McGonigall: No, it isn't. The rest all died in freak accidents. It was just one of those things. That's why we can't fire Snape, no matter how outrageously he behaves.

Pomfrey: Hm! I didn't know that.

Pomfrey saw the two floating wizards down on to some cots and then began attending to them. McGonigall said she needed to get back to work and she walked out of the room. Pomfrey inspected each wizard, and then began shouting.

Pomfrey: RIGHT YOU TWO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE! WAKE UP, NOW! UP AND AT EM!

Lockhart slowly began to come around to the screaming of Madam Pomfrey. He groaned and put a hand to his head. He thought it had all been a bad dream untill he felt the grease... Lockhart banged his head back on the cot and let out a yell of misery, dropping his hand away from the greasy forehead.

Pomfrey: For goodness sake, what is it? What happened?

Lockhart: I was...it was... Look at my hair!

Lockhart was crying, his eyes still shut.

Pomfrey: Honestly, Professor Snape! Your hair always looks like that. I'll go get you something to calm your nerves.

Lockhart: No, wait a second, you must listen to me, Madam! I am NOT Severus Snape, I am GILDEROY LOCKHART!

Pomfrey looked at him in shock for a moment.

Pomfrey: Severus, when you fell, you hit your head pretty hard. Why don't you just wait here a moment while I fix you something.

Lockhart: No, no, YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME!

Pomfrey: After I give you your medicine, I will listen! Now SHUT UP!

Madam Pomfrey left the room. As soon as Pomfrey had exited the room, Malfoy, who'd been laying still as a stone with his eyes closed, sprang up off the bed with abundant energy.

Malfoy: Now listen here, Lockhart, we don't have much time. Do NOT tell her who you really are. I'll explain everything when I get the proper chance. If you trust me... I can get you out of this mess and I can make you glad this whole thing happened. Otherwise, you'll be shipped back to Saint Mungo's... AND you'll stay looking like Snape!

And Malfoy dropped back down on his cot, limp as a noodle, eyes shut.

Lockhart stared at Malfoy for a moment, frowning in confusion. He was just opening his mouth to ask Malfoy what the hell he might have meant by that, when Pomfrey bustled back in through the doors.

Pomfrey: Right, Severus, drink this malted chocolate stuff.

Lockhart drank and then lay back down.

Pomfrey: Feeling better? Who do you think you are now? Can you explain what happened yet?

Lockhart: I... I am Severus... yes, you know. And well... I... I uh, I was in Potions...Teaching, you see, I suppose...sure, and then, I simply fainted. I got a case of the vapors.

Lockhart laid an arm over his forhead. Pomfrey stared at him for a few moments.

Pomfrey: I think you ought to stay here in the infirmary for the day, Severus. Do you happen to remember what happened to Draco Malfoy?

Lockhart: That'd be... uh, well, he... fainted too.

Pomfrey: Is that the official story, then? You don't mind if it gets out around school that two Slytherins... 'got the vapors'?

Lockhart: Well, I mean, it happens to us all from time to time doesn't it? Even I... while I happen to be exceedingly unpleasant and wholly unconcerned with the important things in life, like my hair and complexion, am still a human being. Yes, even old Snape gets the vapors now and again.

Pomfrey stared at him again, this time a look of fear entering her eyes.

Pomfrey: Just lie back and rest, Severus. We'll get you sorted out... eventually.

Lockhart smiled and gave her the thumbs up sign. Pomfrey went over to Malfoy.

Pomfrey: WAKE UP, MR. MALFOY! Come on then, up you go...

Malfoy groaned and slowly opened his eyes.

Malfoy: Wh...where am I?

Pomfrey: In the infirmary. Do you remember what happened in Potions?

Malfoy: It's all a horrible blur...but I think it had something to do with Potter... Oh, I feel dizzy. I think I should just rest here for awhile.

Pomfrey: Yes, very well. Both of you stay here and rest while I go try to ask someone with a brain what happened in Potions class.

Pomfrey left the room.

Lockhart sighed, sadly, and stepped down from his cot. He walked over to a mirror, approaching slowly with his hands over his eyes. Lockhart stood in front of the mirror, hyperventalating.

Malfoy: Don't pass out again. We have to talk.

Lockhart: Just a moment! I must... see... the damage...

Lockhart peeked out from under on hand and almost fainted again.

Lockhart: You say you can get me back to normal, boy?

Malfoy: Yes, but only if you do EXACTLY as I say.

Lockhart swallowed dryly. Steeling whatever courage he could from the hope that he would soon be fixed, he forced his hands away and looked at his present reflection.

Lockhart: Oh God, this can't be happening to me, this can't be happening. I liked it better when I was the gnat.

Lockhart could not believe his eyes. Instead of his beloved, fathomless blue eyes which sparkled like a jewel cast into the ocean in that movie, he was looking into dull, pitch black eyes that gave him the creeps. Instead of his soft, radient, highly enviable curls of sunshine blond hair with endless highlights and perfect body and bounce, he saw flat, unmanagable, greasy, stringy, one toned, dandruffy, split ended misery! Instead of his perfect, handsome yet lovely nose, he was staring at some beaky honker that would give Adrien Brody nasal envy. Instead of his flawless and baby soft skin...

Malfoy: AHEM!

Lockhart turned in fury and pain and screamed.

Lockhart: WHAAT!

Malfoy was taken aback for a moment, having never heard Lockhart scream in rage before.

Malfoy: Erm, we have some business to conduct.

Lockhart, his trance of dispair broken, ran from the mirror and jumped on his cot, eyes pleading with Malfoy.

Lockhart: You can fix my situation!

Malfoy: Yes. Yes, I can, Lockhart. But you see, your situation is worse than you know.

Lockhart: WORSE, how could be it be any WORSE! Look at me! Not only am I bloody hideous, but I'm someone who is utterly unaccomplished, uncelebrated, unremarkable, unpraised...

Malfoy: Will you shut the &$ up for five seconds! Let me do the talking. Now listen up, and listen up good. Right now, nobody believes you're Gilderoy Lockhart but me. I can tell the difference between you and Snape. I'm not as stupid as people think! Anyway, if you start raving about being Lockhart, one of two things will be done to you. They'll either throw you back in Saint Mungo's because they think Snape has lost it... though between you and me, it's been lost for quite a long time... or they'll find out the truth but even if they can get you your old body back, you'll still be thrown back in Saint Mungo's or worse, Azkaban. Your only option here is to pretend to be Snape. Think about it, if you can.

Lockhart thought about it.

Lockhart: I'd rather die than live as Snape! And you said you could fix me!

Malfoy: I can, but in exchange for a favor.

Lockhart: Favor? What favor?

Malfoy: You must get me into the Death Eaters! Snape and my father are good friends. Mother doesn't want me in the Death Eaters, and Fatha seems to think I'd just get in the way. Snape always agrees with everything they say. Now, The Dark Lord recently sprang my Fatha from Azkaban, and he's hiding out at my house with my mother. You've got to convince them it's right for me to join! If you can do that, I'll fix your condition.

Lockhart: Oh, and I'm supposed to believe you actually know how to fix me? I'm not that stupid, either, you know.

Malfoy: No, I didn't know that. Well, very well, let me explain how I can fix your situation. You see, what happened to you was an all out calamity! It was one of those things, one of those really weird things... I mean, when you transformed into the gnat, that was one thing. That could have been fixed using normal magic. But when you then, by a freak of chance, were transformed into Snape's body, while you were the gnat... that can't be corrected normally. Snape is dead. You have totally taken over his body. And the gnat is dead, and with it, the only remainder of your old body. That leaves you stuck! But, Gilderoy, there is a way. It's called The Dark Arts.

Malfoy jumped off his cot, locked his hands behind his back, and began pacing the room.

Malfoy: In Fatha's study, there is a book. A large book. A book that says, "Spells That Should Not Be Cast and Forbidden Potions". In that book, there lies the way to changing you back to normal. It's all very unseemly and illegal, but it will get the job done. Now, are we together on this, or aren't we?

Lockhart: Well, I mean... how am I supposed to convince your father? And when!

Malfoy: Don't worry, you're to meet with him tomorrow night for poker and cigars. That's when you've got to do your convincing. And in the day time tomorrow, just pretend your sick so you won't have to teach Potions.

Lockhart: Are you sure this is the only way?

Malfoy: I'm POSITIVE, Lockhart.

Lockhart: But your father, he'll know I'm not Snape... I can't impersonate that...ew.

Malfoy: I'll give you lessons. In fact, I'll pretend I'm sick too, and I'll teach you tonight and tomorrow!

Lockhart looked unhappy, but after a moment, he nodded. Malfoy started instructing Lockhart immediately.

Several minutes later, Pomfrey burst back into the room with Dumbledore on her heels. Dumbledore looked at Snape's form with concern.

Dumbledore: Severus, are you feeling quite alright?

Lockhart frowned as hard as he could and sneered up at Dumbledore.

Lockhart: Fine, Headmaster, fine. Uh, actually, I, believe something has come over me. I shall be unable to fulfill my duties as Potions Master tomorrow. I must rest, have to rest, that's it, you see.

Dumbledore: You've never missed a day's work in your career at Hogwarts. Are you sure you're not terribly ill?

Lockhart: Just medium ill, Headmaster. I, I must rest. I'm just asking for one day off, Sir.

Dumbledore: Of course, Severus. You're entitled to one day off... it's just, you know, we don't have any substitutes for Potions, so... we, er, need you back as soon as possible.

Lockhart: Yes. I'll be back down there in that dungeon lickity split! I mean, uh, yes, Headmaster.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, then walked over to Malfoy.

Dumbledore: Malfoy, are you feeling quite alright?

Malfoy: Oh, Headmaster, I simply can't get up. I feel ill as can be.

Dumbledore: Really? You seem ok.

Malfoy: I'm not.

Dumbledore: Then perhaps we should send you home.

Malfoy: I'm not that sick.

Dumbledore: I believe you should go back to classes then.

Malfoy: But, sir...

Dumbledore: Now.

Malfoy: I had a heart attack!

Dumbledore: But you're right as rain now, so up you go!

Malfoy helplessly was shuffled from the room. He looked back at Lockhart.

Malfoy: I'll be back to visit you, PROFESSOR SNAPE, as often as I can!

Dumbledore: Yes... uh, you do that, Malfoy.

Malfoy showed up later to try to instruct Lockhart on how to behave like Snape.

Malfoy: Now, if I were to ask you, Professor Severus Snape, for a potion to make my hair less greasy, what would you say?

Lockhart scrunched his face and attempted to sound surly.

Lockhart: Ahem... well, as much as it annoys me to be asked a simple question, I suppose I can whip something up that can help to tone down the oils in your hair while still maintaining lusterous --

Malfoy whacked his wand down on a nightstand.

Malfoy: NO!

Lockhart: Good Lord, what was wrong with that?

Malfoy groaned. Half an hour later...

Malfoy: One more time. Professor Snape, do you think you could whip me up a potion to help me with my greasy hair!

Lockhart: 30 points from Gryffindor! I will not be bothered with such trivial matters, you ignorant little fool. You are stupid and insolent!

Malfoy: Keep going! Hit below the belt!

Lockhart: Ever lose a pet, you pathetic worm! Good! Go ahead and cry, wussy! And you know what's more? Your parents hate you! And you deserve it!

Malfoy: Ok! That's very good...

Lockhart: Besides... Greasy hair is da bomb!

Malfoy: Brilliant! Let's try the walk now... Uh, oh, visiting hours are over. I'll be back first chance I get tomorrow.

Malfoy ran out of the infirmary.

Lockhart: Lord, what is happening to me?

The next day...

Malfoy: How do you walk?

Lockhart stood up, grinned, and began to strut about the room.

Lockhart: Oops! Sorry!

Lockhart frowned, snarled, and began to strut about the room.

Malfoy: No, that's way too flashy. Snape kinda skulks about like a creepy bat.

Lockhart: Buts skulk?

Malfoy: Right, forget the bat. Go for a snake.

Lockhart: You want me to slither on the ground?

Malfoy: Look, just move around like a shadowy, sneaky creep ok? You ever see Nosferatu? Sort of like that.

Lockhart: Oh, God, are you kidding? I hate scary movies.

Lockhart shuddered.

Malfoy: You really are a wuss, aren't you?

Lockhart: I'm afraid so.

Malfoy: Well, just try to sneak about and act slimey, ok? Picture Snape walking, and imitate it.

Lockhart tried again. He brought his arms up and twisted his hands into claws. He exaggerated his movements and tried to creep forward in a threatening way.

Malfoy: No, no, no, you look like you're trying to dance. Snape does NOT have rhythem, remember that.

A half an hour later...

Malfoy: That's it... you're doing it! You're doing it!

Lockhart was skulking away from him in a decent imitation of Snape's movements. He suddenly spun around, menace on his face.

Lockhart: Potter!

Malfoy: He's got it! By George, I think he's got it!

Malfoy, who'd been sitting on a hospital bed eating some chocolates he'd stolen from Madam Pomfrey's desk, looked proud. Lockhart looked prouder.

Lockhart: I did it! I actually did it!

Malfoy: Here, have a chocolate.

Malfoy tossed him the chocolate and Lockhart ate it.

Lockhart: You know, if you'd asked me yesterday morning if I'd have been able to pull off an imitation like that, I'd have said no way!

Malfoy: You've done a good job.

Lockhart: Well, I've had a good teacher.

Malfoy: Really? Hey, you're alright, Lockhart. Have another one.

Malfoy tossed Lockhart another chocolate.

Malfoy: But there's more. We've got to talk about what kinds of things you're going to talk about with my dad apart from urging him to let me be a Death Eater. And you've gotta be comfortable with him. Still Snape! But as comfortable as Snape gets. I've seen them together, not for very long, but long enough to know that Snape actually smiles. It's a really scary sight, I mean, even I am afraid.

Lockhart: Oh, what if I can't do this? What if I can't pull it off at all?

Malfoy: You're gonna do fine... Oops, I'm gonna have to go now, I'll be back later.

Lockhart: Oh, very well. Goodbye.

That night, it was their last preporation visit.

Malfoy: How bout that Dark Lord, eh, Severus?

Lockhart: He is great, Lucius, a fantastic Dark Lord he is.

Malfoy: Deeper voice, keep your cool... you still sound nervous.

Lockhart: I'm trying!

Malfoy: Try harder. Remember, You-Know-Who is your boss!

Lockhart: I don't think I can do this.

Malfoy: You've got to! You can't back out now!

Lockhart: Ok, right... Ahm, that Dark Lord, yes, that's our boss, that's right, Lucius.

Malfoy: I feel like I'm starting from square one, here.

Lockhart: I can't help it!

Malfoy: Just remember, think evil thoughts, and these guys are your buddies.

Lockhart: These guys? What do you mean, these guys? I thought it was just your father?

Malfoy: Fatha and Snape don't play poker alone. They've got a whole little group.

Lockhart: I'm having an episode... I'm going to pass out!

Malfoy: Lockhart, you can do it! You MUST do it! You will go out there and convince Fatha to allow me to be a Death Eater! Or else... Look at this!

Malfoy pulled out a mirror and held it up to Lockhart's face.

Malfoy: Now come on. Let's practice some more!

Lockhart gulped, but nodded.

Half an hour later...

Malfoy: Now, let's casually broach the subject of Lucius' son, Draco, becoming a Death Eater. You pat your old friend on the back and say, 'You know, Lucius, I've been thinking. Your son is doing so well in school and the only thing he ever talks about is Death Eating. I really believe he'd make a fine addition to The Dark Lord's side.'

Lockhart: You know, Lucius, I've been thinking...

15 minutes later...

Malfoy: Right, you ready to go?

Lockhart: No. I think I'm going to be murdered...

Malfoy: You'll be fine. Ok, it's time!

Before too long, Lockhart had arrived at the Malfoys' residence.

Lucius: Severus!

Lockhart: Lucius!

To be continued...


End file.
